Hillary here. I got spooked by my marriage last month for the first time in over 6 years. 

The last time I found myself in this spot was after my second daughter was born. I can remember it very well – almost like yesterday.  My husband was leaning against the front door as he spoke into words the ultimate fear above that was looming over our house – “if we don’t do something, we are going to end in divorce.”

He was right, we probably would have. I was suffering from postpartum depression and anxiety, and mourning the loss of our sweet little family of three. My days were spent bouncing on a yoga ball with a colicy baby who would cry for hours. My husband hid himself in his work and would not come home until very late more nights than not. We were both tired, tapped out, and overwhelmed. It wasn’t a good look.  

Last month when those spooky feels came around, it didn’t go the way it did last time. 

Yes, we were still spooked, but we quickly called up our trusty therapist (sidebar: we LOVE our therapist and have referred EVERYONE to her) and booked a session. 

The difference between last time and this time was the amount of time we spent in the “spook.” This time, we came back together so much more quickly. 

The difference between then and now is that now we are prioritizing our own well-being in such a way that, when we need to work on “us” (our relationship),  our“selves” are already taken care of. We also know that in order to focus on taking care of our relationship together, we need to be sure that our relationship to our own well-being is strong and intact.  And, thank goodness it was! 

In my training as a coach, we were invited to look at “healthy priorities” as: SELF, PARTNER, WORK, FAMILY, FRIENDS. In that order. I have seen an array of different cultures clash and take offense to the suggestion you would ever put yourself, work or partner before your family. And, I’m not going to lie, the first time I heard it my mother popped into my head and I thought “Oh, Hell no”. 

This concept bumped up against the very knowing of what it is to be a mother for me. But when I allowed myself to go deeper, I saw that if and when I am taken care of, I have more for the rest of my life. If I’m present, it supports me to be the leader I want to be, and if work is something that is taken care of, then I’m not bringing it home to my family time.  Likewise, if my relationship is solid, then it’s not bleeding into my family or in my case, children. 

We often send out the rally cry around well-being at LUMO. We bring the conversation often and early, and this is one of the reasons. When we are taken care of, truly taken care of, the experience of being present for the other areas of our lives becomes that much more impactful. 

It may even save your relationship – it saved mine. 

So, dear reader, how are your priorities? Are YOU first order of business? If not, then what would it take to make that happen?